Monthly Archives: March 2012

Mar27

Anthems

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Two weeks, Three days.  Is it pathetic that I have that figured out?  Whatever. That’s how long it’s been since Jamal and I ended our relationship.  That’s how long I’ve wondered what the providential reason is (because there is always one, right?) for the split.  That’s how long I’ve been answering questions asked by other people.  That’s how long I’ve felt comforted and protected and fought for by the people around me.

Forever.  The math was significantly easier on this one.  That’s how long God has been good. 

I can be in a relationship with the man that I love, and God will be good.  He can break up with me and that relationship can be taken away, and God will be good.  The abundance and beauty and perfection of God’s goodness is no less or more when I get my way or don’t get my way.  It’s always abounding.  It’s always perfect.  My definition of good may change, my perspective of good may be altered, but that goodness is as constant as the God who possesses and grants it.

I sing because You are good.

And I dance because You are good.

And I shout because You are good.

You are good to me.

With a cry of praise, my heart will proclaim

You are good.

Some days really suck.  Some days are really good. Death. Grief. Sadness. Worry. Pain. Protection. Peace. Praise. Wholeness. Life.

In death,

In life,

I’m confident and covered by

the power of Your great love!

In a season that for 2000 years has signified death bringing life, it’s really cool that Jesus would let me experience on the smallest of scales how my own death can bring life.  I’ve seen it over and over and over again: In my brokenness, He makes me whole.

What can make me whole again?

Nothing but the blood of Jesus.

Mar7

Another Frost.

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I’m in a season of doubt and frustration.  I keep thinking spring is here.  That newness is about to surround me.  That growth and life are present.  Then it decides to snow.  Again.  Once I’ve seen a flower bloom, the last thing I want is another frost.

Tonight I saw this quote on Facebook:  “God has no bad thought towards us. Only a desire to see us conform to the image of Jesus.” I don’t know who said it or where it’s from, but here’s what I know-  This season that seems unending and hard and so so tiring is purposed to make me more like Jesus.  This season that makes me want to give up on everything even when I know that that’s not what I’m supposed to do is purposed to make me more like Jesus.  This testing is going to make me more like Him.

I hate it.  I hate going through the fire.  I hate being poked and prodded.  I hate being broken and torn and beat up.  I wish there was an easier way, but there isn’t.  This is the way God chose because it’s the absolute best for me right now.  This is the most effective way to make me more like Him.

I’m learning to keep promises.  I’m learning to fight as hard as I possibly can even when I’m down.  I’m learning to seek the Lord with every single thought because that’s the only place I am finding life.  He’s teaching me to recognize all of the broken cisterns in my life.  He’s teaching me how to love without abandon and without condition.  He’s teaching me that my life isn’t about me and what I want and how happy I can be- It’s about Him and what He wants and how I can honor Him with all of me.

This season sucks.  It really does.  But when the spring comes around, I believe whole-heartedly that it will be so much more appreciated because I will see the beauty from ashes.