The Unanswer

I’ve been having a minor breakdown in my head.

So often (and especially recently) I’ve heard people talk about how they knew what the Lord wanted them to do but they weren’t doing it.  They were letting other things distract them.  And there have been a handful of times in my 25 years that I’ve dealt with the same thing, but recently it’s been a completely different scenario.

Recently I have been wandering around absolutely aimlessly because I can’t figure out what I’m here to do.  I’m doing things that I enjoy and that I feel like serve some sort of purpose, and they all certainly keep me busy, but is that all it is?  Busywork?  Most of the time I think so.  I can’t seem to find real contentment in anything that I’m doing because I don’t think any of these things are ultimately my “calling” if you will.  And if that’s the case, then what is my calling?

I ask this question all the time.  Constantly.  Never to come up with an answer.   That’s really, incredibly frustrating.

This week, though, God gave me a new perspective.  My core purpose is not to fulfill roles.  I’m not here to be a mother or a daughter or a teacher or a nurse or a girlfriend or a wife.  I’m here to radiate Jesus.  Period.  Now, obviously it’s necessary for me to have some sort of income to pay the bills, but I think for me, for my life, for my person, God isn’t giving me answers to the huge question of what I’m supposed to “do with my life” because He wants me to learn first that no matter where I am and what I’m doing that I was created in the image of Christ and I’m to reflect that in whatever capacity I’m in- at home, at church, at work, on dates, driving down the road, or at the grocery store.

I think it would be a lot easier if He’d let me skip that part which is so, so hard for me and just give me a high paying job that is fun and works around my schedule, too.  But whatever.  I guess He knows what He’s doing.