Voice

Do you want to know something? It’s kind of embarrassing…

When I write, I talk in Meg Ryan’s and Tom Hank’s voice in my head.  Subconsciously, I talk in a You’ve Got Mail voice every time I write.  And when I think about my posts long after I’ve posted them, I read them to myself aloud in my head while walking through Target- in that voice.

You know what voice I’m talking about?

The one that is a little excited that the communication with this odd and secret friend is continuing.  The one that says that something fresh and oh so sweet is happening and so the new day will be worth your while.  The one that says “you bring something interesting to my life and I can’t stop smiling about it.”

That voice.

I love that voice.

I wish I talked in that voice in real life.

If my heart had a voice, I think that’s the one it would have.

Goal 3? (of 11, obviously)

On a regular basis I think about giving up Facebook.

I haven’t yet because for the first time ever I get to have a relationship status, The majority of my pictures are on there because my computer crashed halfway through college (so what was that? 8 years into it?), I like wall posts because they make me feel special, etc.  Basically all menial reasons.

Anyway, the reasons behind wanting to quit it altogether are that I find that those disgusting lies about inadequacy and worthlessness are fed to me mostly through this medium.  I find that I’m a great bit more likely to become disheartened when I see someone’s new album of pictures from their recent family vacation, or the gorgeous wedding or bridal portraits, or the statuses about shopping shopping shopping with the girlfriends.

Today Lacey posted about this very thing.  That our sin is when we become jealous of other women who post the great parts of our lives.

And for a minute I wanted to take her up on the challenge to be real.  To let people see that my life isn’t perfect (as if they ever had that misconception-let’s be real, here!), and that they don’t have to pretend like theirs is either, but I quickly remembered how often I’ve been criticized for that very thing.  “Sarah it seems like every day is the worst day ever for you!”  or “Sarah, maybe you should watch your facebook statuses.  They are always so discouraging.”  or  “Sarah, I’m calling to make sure you’re ok.  Your statuses lately have been really awful.”  The best part of all, though, is that I am a genuinely happy person.  I almost always have a real smile on my face.  Seriously, people, you saw me yesterday.  I’m not depressed.  I just recognize crappy situations when then are in front of my face.

I hate that I haven’t come across as someone who can handle adversity with grace and patience and joy.  But I also hate that when I’m being real, it’s unwelcome.  I never want for someone to meet me and have a conversation with me and leave and think that my life is perfect.  It’s not.  I lost my job.  I took a class that I didn’t get counted for.  I had several wrecks that were counted as my fault that were in reality, not my fault.  I got taken out of the nursing program unwillingly.  I have flat tires on average once every 5 months (no exaggeration).  My circumstances are not good.  I do find joy in them, but I also get frustrated and discouraged.

Anyway.  I’m rambling.  I think I should find a way to limit my access to Facebook.  Like delete all of the friends who make me jealous (that would literally eliminate every single friend), or not get on (then I get to keep my relationship status, and I can read my awesome compliments via email-but I wouldn’t be able to compliment them back), or I could hide every single person so that when I get on there are no posts on my news feed to draw me in.  OOh I like that last option.

Goal 3.  Stop being jealous and remember daily that the life I have is beautiful and usually really fun and

What do you think?  Should I get rid of facebook?  Should YOU get rid of facebook?

Goal 2 (of 11 obviously)

I shop when I’m stressed.  I don’t think that’s any secret to most of my readers.  When I was in college and had a big test coming up or a project that I just couldn’t find the creativity to finish, or a paper due that required me to bear my soul in any capacity, I’d skip class…or classes-all of them…and shop.  I’d hit up target, then the mall, the Wal-mart.  It didn’t matter what I bought.  I could buy clothes, or electronics, or food, or new steering wheel covers (ok, I never bought a steering wheel cover…they all come with cherries, and I feel like to have a cherry on anything in your car- or anything, period makes you look like you are easy.  Just sayin’.)  I’d spend hours in Michaels and Hobby Lobby and Old Navy.  I would go to Books-A-Million then to Home Depotbecause every girl living in the dorms at college needs something from Home Depot, right?

The point is I use shopping as a way to distract from what really needs to happen.

When I really need to deal with the pain of a broken relationship, I shop because it’s easier and less painful.

When I really need to talk to someone about something they’ve done that should be corrected, I shop because it’s less challenging.

When I really need to spend time with a long lost friend, I shop because it’s less social.

I need to stop.

So goal number 2 is just that.  For one year (that means until Jan 24, 2012) I will not shop unless it is absolutely necessary.

Ramblings of a Girl

Preface:  This post was drafted on Sept.9, 2010.  The whole thing is still true.  It’s still something I think almost daily.  Tonight I saw Voyage of the Dawn Treader with Reuben, and in the movie Lucy’s temptation is that she wants to be more beautiful-that she’s unhappy with what she’s been created to be.  She wants to be someone different than who she really is, and when that part of the movie came, I was in awe that anyone had made a character just like me (because obviously not another girl experiences those same thoughts).  So because of that, I feel like tonight I can post this.

Man oh man.  Today has been a day of revelations.  Like, the scary kind.  The kind that bring tears and confusion, and frustration.

I keep thinking that I don’t like who I am.  Some fairly average girl, with a hyper-sensitive sense of humor, who isn’t really good at a whole lot and who is the best at nothing.  And all week Satan has attacked me with those thoughts.  Thoughts that I’m not good enough.  I’m not good enough for the friends I have, or for the boyfriend I have, or for the job I have, or for the responsibilities I have (ok, so maybe I’ve gone overboard with the whole responsibilities part).

I can’t put my finger on it quite yet.

I’m admitting some pretty embarrassing stuff here.  Seriously, I think I’d rather admit anything than the fact that I always thought that when a boy finally liked me that I’d magically know that I was beautiful just the way I am and that I’d finally be happy with my personality and all of the weird things that come along with that.  Instead, I find myself 3 weeks (or 6 months) into a relationship with this incredible guy, and I still can’t seem to see that I have anything worth wanting in a friend or a girlfriend, or a daughter, or a cousin, or a garbage woman.

I can’t think of a single woman who I know looks in the mirror every morning and sees herself as sacred.  Beautiful. Exquisite. Possessing something that is Perfect.

I’ve spent 24 years looking for that beauty to be realized when I become thinner or when someone else believes it about me first.  I’ve waited for men to tell me that I was beautiful or that there was something quite Perfect about me.  The thing is, I’ve heard it over and over from people, and I still haven’t believed it.  I always have an excuse.  “Well he’s my dad, he has to think that.”  “He’s just saying that because he can tell I’m having a bad day.”  “He doesn’t think that- if he did he’d want to date me.”  The list could go on for days.

I’ve never been content with my personality or my appearance.  To be honest, I think I thought I’d finally believe it when a guy wanted to date me.  I was wrong.  Instead I spend my time trying to figure out why the heck someone would want to spend their time dating me when there are 4 million other girls who are several pants sizes smaller, have better hair, and are probably smarter and more emotionally stable than I am (They probably are not as funny, but I mean that’s a given).  I spend my time wondering exactly when he’ll realize who he’s dating and that he clearly was not thinking straight.

Anyway the point of all of that is this:  I’m not finding life in Christ, but in how I am valuing myself, instead.  I’m not content with who He created me to be.  In short, most days I look in the mirror and my thoughts scream “God, you obviously made a mistake when You made me.”

But that’s not true.

When I take every thought captive, and remember that I am beautiful,  I am exquisite,  I do, in fact, possess something that is Perfect- more perfect that I can seem to comprehend,  I am sacred,  I am created by the living God,  I become not only content with who I am, but excited about how I get to be used by the King of everything.

Gross

Frustrating.

It’s so frustrating to see my selfishness so evidently.  To see it manifest itself in me without hesitation.

It’s worse when it’s paired with jealousy.